


Darker Things

by LamesIsCanon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hogwarts Fifth Year, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kisses, Light Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read, Recreational Drug Use, Song Lyrics, goodboylupin's RS Candy Hearts Challenge, im too scared to ask for a beta lol, lots of those
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:07:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29458713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LamesIsCanon/pseuds/LamesIsCanon
Summary: Sirius and Remus both have demons. Luckily, they have each other to act as the sunshine during the storm.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14
Collections: The Candy Hearts Challenge





	Darker Things

**Author's Note:**

> For @goodboylupin's candy hearts fest on Tumblr! My prompt was "sunshine". I'm not sure how my mind took a happy prompt and made it into this but here we are. 
> 
> The title of this fic and the lyrics included are from a song called "Darker Things" by Lily Kershaw. It's always reminded me of wolfstar so I'm glad to finally write something including it!

_I worry about you at night_

_'Cause when the moon comes out all your demons come to life_

_And you say you hate the way your mind makes you feel about_

_All the things that hurt in your life, I feel you now, I can feel you_

It wasn't a surprise that Sirius eventually finds Remus in the astronomy tower. The place is - as deemed by James - Remus' sulking place. And there he is, sitting on the edge of the stone, swinging his legs over empty air and puffing on a rolled joint.

Remus doesn't say anything as Sirius approaches, joining him at the edge of the tower so they can dangle their feet together, fifty meters above ground. Sirius is expecting Remus to yell, or snap at him with those passive aggressive comments that Remus is so good at giving out when he's in a mood. He braces himself for Remus to tell him to go away and leave him alone or finally shout about why Remus was so absent today.

Instead, Sirius is pleasantly shocked to find that Remus prefers to wrap their hands together instead, reaching behind to intertwine their fingers from where their hands lay supporting their bodies on the stone. It's a step in the right direction, though Sirius is still insecure about the way Remus keeps his face turned toward the sky rather than looking at him.

Now he sits in quiet, looking at Remus' profile as he gazes up at the nearly full moon. On such a night, they're able to see the grounds clearly. Sirius watches as a couple of seventh years sneak through the snow to the edge of the forbidden forest with bags that he guesses are full of clinking glass bottles. They can even see Hagrid walking fang around his hut. Bathed in the light of la luna, Hogwarts looks so peaceful. It'd be beautiful, Sirius thinks, if the moon didn't cause Remus so much pain.

More silence stretches between them, though it's not uncomfortable. It never is between the two of them, growing up in the same room for the past five years and getting to know each other on late nights spent in one or the other's bed sharing snacks given to them by the friendly house elves in the kitchen. They know each other well enough to understand that quiet can be just as conversive as talking sometimes. Except now, Sirius wonders whether or not Remus' silence is a punishment. Or maybe Remus is just waiting to get his words together before he yells.

A gust of cold February air breaches Remus' warming charm, reminding Sirius of the bundle of clothing clutched in his free hand. 

"I brought your cloak." He informs the other boy, holding it up. Remus doesn't look away from the moon, but he does let go of Sirius' hand and allow Sirius to tie it around his shoulders for him. Lycanthropy doesn't often allow for Remus to get cold, but he seems to accept the warmth as Sirius finishes tying it together. 

"There." Sirius states, pulling away to admire the little bow. Instead of thanking him, Remus finally looks away from the sky and leans down to rest his nose against Sirius' cheek. They breathe the same air for a moment, enjoying the closeness of their faces before Remus takes the opportunity to bring their mouths together. Sirius gasps, always surprised by how good it is to kiss Remus. 

He's still a bit confused about Remus' behavior as he allows himself to melt against his lips. Sirius had gone through the day thinking Remus was mad at him, the only explanation he could come up with when Remus avoided him in all of their classes that day, or ignored him during breakfast, lunch, _and_ dinner. Sirius came to the tower expecting to apologize, not to be kissed like nothing had happened. 

The weight of a hand on his waist brings Sirius back to his senses and he rests his forearms on Remus' shoulders to pull away for a minute.

"I thought you were mad at me?" Sirius pants, looking up at the boy next to him. 

Remus squinted down at him as he gently shook his head and brought his free hand up to cup Sirius' jaw. "I'm not mad at you."

"But..." Sirius is confused, and so is Remus based on the look he's giving him. "I thought you were going to yell at me."

"Have I ever yelled at you?"

No. Sirius doesn't even have to think about it, all of the times his and James' immature experiments and pranks turned against Remus' favor. All the times Remus was roped into a prank or caught out of bed after hours in which the Marauders received detention and lost house points. Remus never yelled, just made sure he'd turn Sirius' hair pink or charm James' clothes to scream when he got sweaty, all in the name of friendly revenge that they would laugh about once it was all said and done.

Remus has never, and most likely will never, yell at Sirius and he feels silly ever thinking he would. Remus is not like his parents. 

With that thought, an entire day's weight of worry and panic melts out of Sirius' body as he leans in for another kiss. Remus smiles into it when he notices the tension in his shoulders fall away. Sirius smiles when he pulls back, holding eye contact as he grabs Remus' left hand that holds the joint between two fingers and brings it to his own mouth, inhaling and blowing the smoke out without looking away from Remus. The moment becomes charged then, gold staring at silver and neither daring to be the one who breaks it. 

Sirius knows what he looks like when he looks at Remus. There's so much love and adoration on his face that James pretends to puke whenever he catches him at it. Sirius sees that same look reflected back at him in Remus' own face. 

This time, however, mixed in with the love and sappy fondness is Sirius' underlying worry. He tries to hide it, but he's sure Remus can see the unspoken _Are you okay?_ and _What can I do to help?_ and _Merlin, I worry about you on nights like this because I hate the fucking moon and the way it makes you feel,_ just by looking at Sirius' eyes. Remus knows how to read him like a book.

Whatever Remus is able to interpret from the look goes unanswered as he breaks eye contact to finish the joint by himself, and Sirius sighs as he leans against him, resting his head resting on Remus' shoulder and watching him exhale the smoke.

If Remus is going to ignore the blatant worry on Sirius' face, then Sirius will have to go for a more direct approach. He was mad about the way Remus didn't talk to him during the meals despite Sirius' attempts to engage him. He was annoyed at Remus for ignoring him during class and the way he pretended to pay attention to the lesson rather than acknowledge anything Sirius said. But now, he just worries.

"What happened today, Rem?" Sirius whispers once Remus has extinguished the end of the burning blunt. The body against him tenses, and stays that way for a long time until Sirius leans away to look at him again. 

Remus keeps his gaze towards the moon, like he did when Sirius first arrived at the tower expecting Remus to be angry. He still doesn't know what Remus is feeling. 

"I'm sorry about the way I acted today." Remus whispers back, avoiding the full question and confrontation altogether. 

Sirius huffs, thinking it'd be better if he weren't even there at the moment. Remus has a hard time talking about things that bother him no matter how hard Sirius is working to get Remus out of that habit. Maybe Remus will talk more if he doesn't feel pressured by Sirius being there. Maybe he just needs somebody to listen, without the worry that they'll interrupt him.

A large black dog takes Sirius' place in a blur of motion and moves to curl into Remus' lap. Large hands immediately tangle themselves within the fur and start petting up and down the dog's back. 

Padfoot has his back turned to the moon now, but he sees the glow reflected in Remus' eyes as the boy smiles down at him. The silence that falls over them this time feels less tense than earlier. Remus relaxed now as he looks up to stare at the grounds while Padfoot stares up at him, enjoying the unconscious movements of Remus petting him. Now he just has to wait for Remus to talk. Whenever he's ready. 

Between the hurt of mornings spent in the shack after full moons and nights when Remus has his own nightmares, Sirius has come to find out that Padfoot really is a good therapy animal and it's easier for Remus to talk to him as a dog than it is to talk to him as his boyfriend. Sure, it can be frustrating at times, but Sirius will continue to do whatever it takes to help Remus. 

"It hurts, Sears." Remus finally speaks, breaking the silence. Padfoot's ears perk up at Remus' nickname for him, but he's having a hard time processing the other words while he's in dog form. He tries to pay attention as Remus lets out a heavy sigh and they watch the hot breath blow away in the cold wind. "The moon just hurts so much, sometimes." 

Padfoot nudges his nose into Remus' thigh, a gesture of comfort and encouragement to keep talking. 

"It's like it can still control my body even when it's not full. Today it just- it fucking- it hurt. It hurt and I was in pain and I-"

The hands on his fur still and Padfoot realizes there is something wet that keeps hitting the back of his neck. Remus is crying. 

"And I like it. The wolf part of me loved the pain I was in and my mind kept telling me to embrace it, enjoy it. And I got scared. I didn't want to be close to you or James and Peter today because I felt so disgusted with myself." 

Padfoot pulls himself up to where he can lick at Remus' jaw, slightly wet with tears, and the hands on his back resume their petting. 

"I hate the way my mind makes me feel sometimes, Pads. Everything just hurts and I hate how dark it can get in here and I don't ever want you to see me that way." Remus closes his eyes and points to his temple for emphasis. "It's like constant rain and hail and I'm fucking terrified of showing you how dark my mind can ge-"

The dog is licking at Remus' face until he turns back into a teenage boy again, straddling Remus' lap and cutting him off with a hard kiss on his mouth. Remus cries against him and grasps his waist tight. His palms spread against his hips and slide against Sirius' back, holding him like he's worried Sirius will fall off the tower at any minute. 

"Please don't cry, my dear." Sirius breaks away with tears of his own, stroking Remus' cheek with the pad of his thumb. In Sirius' mind, Remus deserves the whole world. Remus is the warmest and brightest thing, reminding him of those early blue hours of summer mornings where you have so much love and excitement for the day ahead. He reminds Sirius of warm cuddles near the fire and the smell of wet forest in the fall. And it hurts to see how the moon can make a boy so warm feel so cold. 

Sirius' heart breaks as Remus continues to quietly cry against him, burying his face into the crook of Sirius' neck. Sirius runs a calming hand through his curls and gently shushes him. 

"I won't let it always be like that." Sirius promises, thinking about the war Remus has with himself and the wolf. "I swear to Merlin, Remus. I'm going to do whatever it takes to make sure you see sunshine poke through the weather in your head." 

Remus pulls his face away from his neck and kisses him again though this time, he's smiling against Sirius' lips. 

"You're all I need."

Remus peppers kisses on Sirius' chin, nose, cheekbones, and forehead. "My sun." kiss. "My star." kiss.

Sirius calms him, kisses him, and loves him there in that tower. For now, the moon hangs nearly full in the sky it's nothing compared to how the brightest star holds him so close. 

  
_I worry about you in the light of day_

_'Cause you don't know who you are when all your demons go away_

_And you say you hate the way your mind makes you feel about_

_All the darker things in your life, I feel you now, I can feel you_

  
Remus finds him without the help of the map. All he had to do was follow the smell of smoke. 

There's a tiny pile of cigarette butts next to Sirius' feet where he stands under the Gryffindor quidditch stands, staring between the cracks in the boards. Remus vanishes the litter pile as he joins him, taking a look for himself at what's behind the boards of the stands and sees the Slytherin quidditch team running drills and there, floating a little higher than the rest and wearing the Seeker's uniform, is Regulus. 

"This isn't my idea of the most ideal spot to give yourself lung cancer." Remus says, rocking from heel to toe to emphasize the way the brown grass under his feet squelches from melted snow. Sirius huffs in response, flicking the finished cigarette onto the ground and pulling out another. Remus wishes he hadn't vanished the butts from earlier so he knows how many Sirius has had. 

He doesn't need to ask why his boyfriend is hiding to watch his brother practice quidditch. Remus is well aware of how Sirius woke them up just before dawn that morning, screaming for Regulus and begging his parents not to hurt him. Remus had been the one to wake Sirius up, getting hit by flailing limbs as Sirius fought against the people in his dream. He was the one who cast a _silencio_ on the curtains of Sirius' bed while he cried and listened to Remus assuring him that Reg was safe in the Slytherin dorms, sleeping peacefully. 

This has been the same drill ever since they were eleven years old.

When Sirius wakes up from nightmares, he's terrified and confused and will likely spend the rest of the day feeling the same way. He's outside of himself in the way that his head is still stuck at Grimmauld Place while his body sits in classes and stares absently out the windows. When teachers yell at him for not paying attention, Sirius startles back to reality with a look that suggests he'd forgotten where he was for a second. 

Gone is the boy who laughs at all of James and Peter's jokes, or flirts with Remus every chance he gets. That boy was replaced by a haunted kid who still has to worry that he hasn't quite escaped his parents. And Remus has to watch Sirius go through days where he acts like he doesn't know who he is anymore. Days that make Sirius desperate to see his brother smiling just to reassure himself that they're safe for the time they're at school. 

"He looks happy." Remus says, watching Regulus and his team dive at each other and laughing when they get too close. 

Sirius grabs his hand then, squeezes it twice and then drops it to start walking away from the quidditch stands. Remus follows him, offering silent companionship as they walk together back to the castle. Dinner will be soon, though Remus doesn't think Sirius will want to go. They'll probably spend the night wrapped around each other in Remus' bed, talking about James' failed dating life or anything else that will distract Sirius.

It's a surprise when Sirius steps closer and allows Remus to put his arm around his shoulders. Sirius isn't often physically affectionate after he's had his nightmares. They make it to the empty dorm to find a note signed by Peter that he and James are serving a detention for McGonagall after dinner, and if they come back to see Sirius and Remus shagging (again) then they'll be kicked out of the room. 

Usually a note like that would have Sirius giggling madly, instantly inspired to try and seduce Remus, which would inevitably work since Remus was so, _so_ weak for his boyfriend who is _so_ fucking pretty. 

Except this time, Sirius barely spares a second glance at the note before he tosses it into the bin and walks over to his trunk to look for pajama bottoms. Remus watches him from across the room, already sitting on his bed in a simple grey shirt and pants. Sirius moves mechanically, like everything he does is based purely on muscle memory while his mind is far away from Gryffindor tower. 

Remus sighs, pushing himself to stand up and walks to Sirius' trunk. His favorite pair of bottoms are sitting on top of everything else though they're going ignored while Sirius absently sorts through clothes, not paying attention to anything he's actually doing. 

"Sears." Remus whispers, grabbing the pants and gently guiding Sirius to stand up away from the trunk. His eyes look different. They aren't as bright as Remus is used to seeing. They're glossed over and unfocused, looking off behind Remus' shoulder. Remus cups Sirius' jaw in his hand and leans in for a quick kiss, then leans away to watch Sirius' focus come back. 

"There you are." Remus smiles, and thankfully Sirius smiles back, albeit a bit tightly. He takes the pajamas from Remus and changes into them right there in the middle of the room. 

Sirius takes Remus' hand in his own once again to kiss the palm, then he guides them over to the four poster Remus has been sleeping in since first year, sometimes shared with Sirius.

Remus tucks him against his side and spells the lights to go out so they can watch the sky change colors as the sun sets outside the window. Remus takes comfort in the way he can feel Sirius' chest rising and falling against him. 

"I hate them." Sirius whispers as the final ray of sun falls behind the mountains.

"I know." Remus says, because he's always felt the same way about Sirius' parents.

"They suck."

"They really do." 

"I hate that I miss them sometimes." 

Oh. 

Remus really wasn't expecting that. Sirius Black, a boy haunted by more demons than most people will ever experience in their lives (and refuses to talk about it) just opened up to Remus about the darkest parts of his mind. And Remus has no idea what to say. 

"Oh." 

Remus regrets saying it before it even comes out of his mouth. He feels Sirius' muscles tense against the palm of his hand that was rubbing the other boy's back and finds himself wishing that a time rewinding spell existed. 

"That's okay, Sears." Remus says in an attempt to fix it. "They were your family, it's okay that you... might miss what could have been." 

Sirius immediately relaxes under him and Remus is able to let out a quiet breath of relief. His hand resumes stroking up and down Sirius' side, offering whatever sort of comfort he can. 

"Part of me thinks it's not." Sirius says after a few moments of silence. "Part of me hates that I could let myself get so hurt about the people who wanted me dead when they should have loved me no matter the fucking circumstances."

Remus thinks about his own parents and how they've been the textbook definition of unconditional love over the years. When he was bitten, Hope and Lyall researched everything they could about how to keep Remus and others safe during transformations. They tried their best to make transformations as good as they were able just to make Remus' life a little easier. When he told them he's dating his best friend, a boy, they told him to bring Sirius home during the summer so they could properly meet him. Then they hugged him until he stopped crying. 

His experience was the polar opposite of Sirius'. Walburga and Orion Black are the most disgusting people on the planet, in Remus' opinion. They threatened and harassed their own son with howlers just for breaking family tradition when he was sorted into Gryffindor. Sirius was tortured and abused just for the friends he has, never mind how happy they make him. His parents don't care about their son's happiness; they care more about the blood status and wealth of teenagers who had no say in the way they grew up. 

If Sirius' parents are so evil to cast a _Crucio_ on him just for having muggle items in his room, then neither Sirius or Remus are so naïve to think that coming out to them would be a good idea. Walburga insists that her son is going through a phase of teenage rebellion and he will eventually grow up to see how despicable his taste in friends is. Orion is hell bent on marrying Sirius off to a respectable pureblooded girl as soon as he's old enough. If Sirius were to tell them about his and Remus' relationship... he wouldn't make it out alive. 

The difference in their families is just a cruel trick of fate. 

"You deserve so much more than those monsters." Remus can't help the tear that rolls down his cheek. 

"I forget that sometimes. When I remember all the things they've screamed at me over the years and every ugly word they've written to me, I forget that they're the ones in the wrong. Not me.

"Every minute I spent trapped in that house were the darkest moments of my life. And I still can't escape it. I still can't escape my parents, because every time I fall asleep they come to hurt me more. Then when I see you, or James, or Peter get a letter from your parents I find myself wishing that I had that. I start missing what kind of mum and dad I _could_ have had."

It's quiet for a while after that. Remus is desperately trying to keep himself from crying, though he knows Sirius can feel the tightness in his chest as he tries to stop the silent tears from coming. Sirius Black is the most important person in Remus' life, and he just wishes that he could give this boy everything. Whatever it takes to see Sirius' pain go away.

Remus tilts his head to the side so he can press his lips against the top of Sirius' head and hold them there for a minute. He wants to give Sirius the world, but for now he'll start by being the rock. 

"I fucking hate that my sick and twisted mind takes the darker things that've happened in my life and makes me miss them in some sinister way. I guess my parents thought that if they couldn't have the son they wanted, then they'd ruin the one they already had. And they succeeded."

And that's it. Remus has Sirius pinned under him in mere seconds, gripping his shoulders to ground himself. 

He expects to see confusion, surprise, concern, anger, _anything_ on Sirius' face. But there's only emptiness. 

"Please don't talk about the love of my life like that." Remus begs over a broken voice. "You are worth so much more than your family's stupid fucking reputation and wealth. You always have and forever will be the most amazing person I've ever met. I can see the promise of everything you have to offer in your smile alone, Sirius. I'm not going to let them take that away from you. The world would be lost without it."

The wall breaks, and Sirius' dam of apathy falls away to the flood of grief he's kept buried inside of him for so long. Remus falls to Sirius' lap as he pulls him up to a sitting position. Remus hugs him as hard as Sirius is hugging back. He starts to sway them side to side, like Hope would do for Remus after a moon. Luckily it has the same calming affect on Sirius, like it did for him as a kid.

"What helps you when you feel like this?" Remus asks, because he's going to hold onto the answer and use it forever if it will help Sirius. 

Sirius pulls away from Remus' chest and wipes his eyes with his shirt. A half-hearted laugh comes out of his mouth as he looks up at Remus the same way Remus is looking down at him. Love. Adoration. James told him once that they look at each other the exact same way.

"You. You help me. The sunshine to break through the storm. Remember, Moony?"

Remus does remember. It was only a few weeks ago when Sirius promised to be the one who would pull Remus out of his own head. And Remus will promise to do the same. 

_Don't cry my one_

_We've only got so much time under the sun_

_Don't cry my dear_

_We've only got so much time here_

**Author's Note:**

> I read through this a few times, I really hope there aren't any glaring mistakes.
> 
> I swear I had every intention going into this challenge to write something fluffy but apparently I can't let myself have nice things, hahaha. Anyways, if you made it this far then thank you so much for reading!!


End file.
